4 Quick Tips to Handle the Unexpected

Before I knew I it, I was hanging partially upside down with only a lap belt that kept me from falling. 

This was not the pleasant ride on a path that I had expected.

It began as a nice Saturday in the mountains where my husband had taken me for a drive. Oh yeah, another part I should add, it was a ride in his four wheel drive vehicle up mountain rock paths. We went through a forest of evergreen trees, through a stream trickling water, up a waterfall pathway (no water) and onto other marked trails. Then the unexpected happened, we were slung off the path before we realized what happened, rolling over and stopped by a tree. I thanked God for the tree; otherwise we would have kept rolling. 

As a therapist, I help others deal with hurts and pain, including, “the unexpected”.

Here’s some quick tips that help.

1. Stay Put and Hang On

When life is out of control, you’re thrown off your normal path, it can be best to stay put (at least temporarily). Ride out whatever is going on; hang on to the familiar. Ground yourself with what is right in front of you. The unexpected can alert your brain to go in reactionary mode causing you to do and say things you may regret and make the situation worse.  Have you ever overreacted to a situation? . . .Yeah, met too. By staying put, you send the message to the fight/flight part of your brain to calm down. This will allow your brain to get or stay calm and respond with clarity rather than react. 

 In my story, I hung on to the overhead handles that I knew had been placed there to help brace myself, to keep me from banging my head or  . . . who knows whatever else.

2. Check Yourself

“It’s important to realize in what ways your’e okay.”

It’s important to pause for a moment (or two), take a breath and see how you are doing physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Are there some self needs that you can tend to or  areas where you need help. As important as it is to tend to your needs, it’s important to realize in what ways you are okay. It will help you to stay calm.

For us that meant literally checking in with ourselves and with each other to see if we were physically and emotionally ok. We were able to breathe a sigh of relief and look to what was next.

it’s important to realize in what ways you’re okay.

3. Reach Out for Help  

Seek the help of those around you whether it’s friends, family,  helpful people/organizations or a therapist, counselor, pastor, other professional.  You may not know the answers or which direction to go, but others can offer valuable resources, point you in the right direction and give practical help. We are meant for relationships, community and connectedness. Help is available. You need to ask and accept it. I know it’s not always easy, but others are more than willing to help . . . it’s actually a blessing for them. (Research shows we have a feel good chemical released in our brains - oxytocin- when we help others)   

Needless to say, hanging at an angle on the high side of a vehicle tipped over, we weren’t sure what to do next.  Thankfully, people came running to help us and give us direction. I was instructed to climb out a window which meant unbuckling the only strap holding me from falling downward and climb against gravity. Putting one foot and another on the internal roll bar, I climbed up, went out the window and had to fall toward a man who assured that he would catch me. 

4. Keep Moving Forward 

Here’s where you put one foot in front of the other to keep going and not become stuck. The unexpected has a way of causing paralysis. If you stay put for too long, your brain can become stuck, frozen in fear, unable to move at all. That’s why it’s vital to do something to keep going. I don’t expect you to climb a mountain, but do something that is familiar, something “normal” like talk to a friend, go to the store, do a task around the house or yard, go for coffee. It will calm your brain to know you can function and the hyper-alert signal will decrease.The longer you stay stuck the harder it is to move on any path.

To finish the story, our vehicle was pulled back over with the help of others using winches on their vehicles. Other than cosmetic damage and a lot of fluids being lost, our vehicle was still drivable. So . . . we kept going, not along the same path, but we still kept going. I must admit I was a little hesitant to go on a harder rock climb, but my husband went to keep from fear from settling in. I joined him as we went along the rest of the trails and enjoying the day. As a therapist I knew to keep checking in with myself, breathe deeply and assure myself we were fine (Extra tip on ways to keep your brain from staying in fight/flight mode or being hyper-aroused).

5 Tips to Help Relationships Survive & Thrive

Love is in the Air or Does it Feel More like it’s Hit Rock Bottom?

Thoughts of romance, advertisements of love, Valentine’s Day, the bliss of being in love . . .  Those messages all around can make you think about your relationship . . . romance . . .far from it . .  we’re barely surviving!!! 
Truth be know, most relationships go through ups and downs, times where you may not even like your partner and wonder “Are we going to make?” Hang in there.

Here’s 5 timely tips to help your relationship navigate tough times.

Maintain Hope   Hang on to hope, hope that your marriage will survive, hope that it will get better, hope that it will last. When relationships are troubled, feelings of love have waned, many want to throw in the towel and call it quits. Hope can keep you together. Know that your difficulty is time limited. Five years, 1 year or even 6 months from now the turmoil will be a remembrance of a difficult season you survived. On the contrary, it’s easy to give up hope, end it, after all don’t 50% of marriages end in divorce? WRONG - The data we have been fed for years was not a fact but a projection based on the high increase in divorce back in the early 80’s. Corrected research  shows, divorce rate has never reached as high as it was in the 1980’s with the highest being more between 29 - 34%. Many of those have regrets and wish they had hung on. Hope for your marriage - 70% of marriages last.

1.  Remember Your Story  Take a moment to remember how you met your spouse. What did you like about him/her? What attracted you to him/her? When was the first time you realized you had feelings for him/her? Where did you go? What did you do? How did you feel during those days?  Maybe you want to look at some pictures of those early times or write out the answers to these questions. Your brain can tap into those memories and bring up emotions of attachment and love toward your. spouse. Write your love story and remember.
2. Look for the Positives   Take the positive challenge. Look for those characteristics, qualities in your spouse that first attracted you to him/her. Set your intention on noticing the positive words, actions, events your spouse says and does. Make a list daily of those positive things. Our brains are funny, they can focus on the things we don’t like and make every irritation seem unbearable. The negatives can scream at us, build on each other and make it seem there is no way the relationship will get better.  Like I said, our brains are funny, YOU CAN  tell yourself to focus on the positives about your spouse.  Your brain will start looking and finding those good things. The positives will build and you will think and feel better about your relationship.
3. Take Action   Say something, do something to connect to your spouse. It’s the little daily things that matter. Show appreciation for those unending tasks that are done for the house, family, for you. Acknowledge it. Say “thank you.” Do some every day task for your spouse. Maybe it’s making the coffee, helping with dishes, picking up after yourself, something that lightens your partner’s load or whatever may send the message that you notice and you care. 
4. Connect   Maybe you’re not feeling all lovey, dovey, but you can still do something to connect. Attachment happens when we connect in meaningful ways to one another. In fact, that’s how love happens.  As we spend time with others, our neurotransmitters release attachment hormones that cause us to want to be together, like one another and fall in love. Makes sense that we need to keep those going. No, the “falling in love” feelings can’t last forever, (we’d never get  anything done in a state of bliss, obsessed with one another) nor is it suppose to. But we do need to nurture it. Dr. William Doherty in his book, Take Back Your Marriage, has an entire chapter on connection rituals. Greet one another, give a hug, a kiss , an intentional “Hi, how was your day?”  Text or call during the day. Show interest in one another’s projects, life happenings and concerns outside of the relationship. Plan a time out - away from work, home and kids. Out to dinner, coffee, ice cream, an activity . . .  something that can be shared together. Everyday connections are vital to your relationship

Use these tips to help draw nearer to your partner, to intentionally make an effort to weather the storms and celebrate the victories. Above all, Hold on to HOPE.

Still not sure if you can make it, hard to hang on to hope, give me a call. Let’s talk. Maybe some professional help is needed or I can point you in the right direction. I can help you whether or not your spouse wants help. Changes in one partner can have tremendous effect on the entire relationship. THERE IS HOPE.